may 20, 2004

how can i feel lonely again? how can i feel lonely when i am filled with so much love? is it possible to love so many all at once? they are all different kinds of love. i love j. for so many reasons that this book could not ever contain. he is a good man. i watch him grow stronger, more confident and loving. he is filled with so much compassion and kindness. he is war yet envelops me with his tenderness. when i see a., i am filled with a familiar love of the unfamiliar. with a., i feel like i want to grab his hand and travel around the world discovering new things. the color of his coffee skin and black hair are enough to drive the endless and the unknown. he paves the road to self-discovery. he is opportunity and inspiration. he is pain and determination. deliverance and pride.

i am sitting in the park in sunnyside, writing on a chess table. the sun has gone down and it's beginning to take a shade of grey. children are going home. boys are still playing basketball. the ice cream truck drives by. a couple next to me are arguing in a language that seems and sounds like a mixture of arabic and hebrew. maybe it's armenian.

i told j. that he constantly suppresses my emotions. i am glad i told him. complacency kills my soul. suburbia is ok in small doses. i had the music on loud. i am so moved by soulful music. it makes me want to cry. listening to it, i felt i could create anything. as i was slipping into my slumber, j. yelled at me to turn down the music and it ruined everything. it was then that i told him he suppresses my emotions. i packed my things and left. why is he so afraid to feel? why is he afraid to give in. to surrender to beauty.

when beauty is before me, i get down on my knees. i beg it to envelop me. i plead for it not to leave me. i let her take my hand and lead me. i don't ask where. i am grateful just for her presence. i submit. completely. i am a lover. i was born to suffer.

it has gotten chilly now. i am in a beautiful mood. i wish a. was sitting across the table from me now. smoking away. shooting the shit.