october 25, 2004

i don't remember when i came here anymore. it seems as though i never left.

the evolve sign on top of the building in cola is gone now. when did it leave?

the building never evolved.

i have started drinking coffee again. when did i get here? when did i start coffee again?

i am feeling her claws beginning to get a grip on me. they have always been close, but now i feel them on my skin. a gentle caress fooling me into her capture. i am weak and i am slipping.

i tried explaining this to w. today. he didn't understand. he could never because he believes that the only way one can be harmed is if one harms oneself. do i have the courage to admit that perhaps beirut does not exist and that is it only i that harms me?

all i can do is sit down and drink coffee and drink coffee and watch my body transform itself into a neurotic mess of caffine induced paranoia. beirut, she pours coffee down my throat in barrels. i am drowning. w., help me.

a while later:
hey doc,

well, i am sorry to disappoint you, but the concert sucked.

in fact, it made me very angry, that after all these years the communist party has not changed. nor will it ever. it's still a repetition of the same sad song. a group of people wearing red shirts and complaining about the government. it is a few people with good theatrical skills coming on stage and making fun of people, all the while sounding just like ziad. where is their own voice?

for real change to happen, people need to take their own initiatives. people need to challenge themselves to re-question what they believe in.

i could not stand to be in a room of red sheep, so i left.

and ziad was only on keyboards. he did not sing.

it was, anthropologically speaking, a good experience though. lebanon has not changed. it's still people who want to argue, with voices one louder than the other, waving fists in the air, pointing fingers, saying bold but empty words... get over it already lebanon!!!

nostalgic bull crap.

but, i suppose, that is what we love the most about lebanon. her inability to make an effectual decision. her expertise in blaming "the other". eating and drinking in excess. claiming to be patriotic, while expanding her lines of starbucks and mickey d's. all the while, smiling, having a blast, and believing that she is 100% absolutely correct. that damn bitch!