may 28, 2004

how far we've come. i have never been filled with so much love. i have never loved so completely. i have never been loved so compassionately. i have never been loved so generously. here i am flying away. off to the orient i go. once again to find and remember my self. my family. my ancestors. new york was choking me with trivial responsibilities. now, i have to go home and take care of my family. and soon, before i know it, my new york family will join me. i can't wait. it's going to be an incredible summer...here i am flying away, cool as a cucumber! we humans are such silly creatures. how our minds can play tricks on us and control us is waaaaaaay beyond me. how things change. with time. time.time. never enough time. so much to do! i'm still trying to analyze my emotions and figure out why i haven't panicked yet. has NY managed to turn me into stone. maybe made me a little tougher. has something inside changed? have i.

a few hours later, now in london. how quickly my emotions find me. i am closer. spatially. geographically. the closer i get, the closer i get to the very depths of my soul. beirut why do you do t his to me. suddenly, i am small and weak again. consumed by love and fear. powerless against the arab male species. they make me feel small. i can't even smile at them. can't make eye contact. i keep my head down. why? so many fears. they may think i'm hitting on them. desperate 28 year old seeking a husband. here, i try to make myself, purposely undesirable. here, i hide. i wear unflattering and unfashionable clothes. try to look stupid on purpose. just to push them away. i have to keep a distance. at all times. i am naked and vulnerable sitting at the departure gate. everyone is sitting and watching. checking out the stock. who' s available? leave me alone. i am the scarlet whore. your families would be tainted by my character. single 28 year old. here j. does not exist. here he is invalid. he is not one of us. why do i put us into this position. why do i bring this pressure on myself. already in a few hours i have transformed from the radiant, productive and spirited woman into a shriveling mass of hysteria of a little girl. beirut. the power you posses over me. is hypnotic and destructive. i wear a scarf over my head and i wear it wrong. just to piss off everyone. just to keep them wondering about my short sleeves.