n. told me that i am a unique artist and that when he entered my room, he came to the realization that when i work i fill the space with great detail. that i fill the space the way a man fills a woman's belly. that i fill the space like i'm fucking the space. i cried when he told me that.

he tells me that i'm a beautiful and sensuous woman. and that i have so many questions in my head. and that my work is an extension of my self. he has made me promise to work 4 hours a day. he believes that i have so much potential. that i am at the start of something great.

he made me promise not to stop working now that i'm married. he wants me to be a free woman. he wants me to be like simone de bouvoir.

n. keeps asking me, who is zena. he has certain ideas, but he wants me to tell him who i am to see if he got it right. so far, the things he has said are pretty good. he read through a lot of things. he says the dolls lying on their backs are me. that i like to be penetrated. that i love sex.

one year later: October 25, 2005

i failed to keep my promise. i have not painted in a year.